The Faults in our Scars

By Anthony Gold

Way back in 1546, the following phrase first appeared: “the first month of marriage is the sweetest”. The Merriam-Webster dictionary subsequently used that quote as part of their etymology for defining the word honeymoon.

Speaking on the initial stages of a relationship, the 18th century English writer Samuel Johnson likewise wrote, “The first month after marriage, when there is nothing but tenderness and pleasure.”

In the beginning of most relationships – the honeymoon stage – we see the qualities in another person that are most endearing to us. We enjoy the novelty, the learning, the mutual attraction. Their positive qualities resonate with us, and we don’t focus on much else.

Until we get to “know” them better.

Then we start noticing the faults, the imperfections, the less-than-ideal qualities. And we start rationalizing our assessments of must-haves and like-to-have.

What changes between the honeymoon stage and steady-state? Sure, early on in relationships most people present themselves in the best light. But what truly changes is the way we see the other person. We no longer regard them as someone who is fascinating; now we measure them by how well they conform to our standards of compatibility.

It is our own shift in perception that changes.

Perception has a focus. It is this that gives consistency to what you see. Change but this focus, and what you behold will change accordingly. (W-pI.181.2)

Change but your mind on what you want to see, and all the world must change accordingly. (W-pI.132.5)

It isn’t necessarily that the other person was hiding faults which have now been exposed. Rather, we are choosing to see through a different filter.

Therefore, seek not to change [the other person], but choose to change your mind [about the other person]. Perception is a result and not a cause. (

When we fully grasp that perception is a result and not a cause, then can the honeymoon phase of any relationship be extended indefinitely!

Join us in Monday’s class where we’ll explore the nature of perception and learn how we can see through the lens of beauty and love. I look forward to seeing you then.

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