Way back in 1546, the following phrase first appeared: “the first month of marriage is the sweetest”. The Merriam-Webster dictionary subsequently used that quote as part of their etymology for defining the word honeymoon.

Speaking on the initial stages of a relationship, the 18th century English writer Samuel Johnson likewise wrote, “The first month after marriage, when there is nothing but tenderness and pleasure.”

In the beginning of most relationships – the honeymoon stage – we see the qualities in another person that are most endearing to us. We enjoy the novelty, the learning, the mutual attraction. Their positive qualities resonate with us, and we don’t focus on much else.

Until we get to “know” them better.

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I was Casper the Ghost.

I’m not even sure if anyone remembers Casper, but when I was a kid, he was a very popular cartoon character. And one year for Halloween, I was dressed as Casper, going door-to-door uttering those three magic words which precluded the expected payoff: “trick or treat!”

Yet I had this strange sense of disingenuousness – assuming a character role just to get what I wanted: candy. Even stranger, I knew that my candy-giving neighbors knew that I wasn’t really Casper. But thankfully the deception was (and still is) fully condoned as children and dentists everywhere go joyfully rewarded.

Just like professional actors, each moment we inhabit various roles – some of them bestowed upon us (e.g. employee, citizen, neighbor, colleague, sibling, outcast, popular) and others we choose (e.g. spouse, parent, friend, enemy). And just like dressing as Casper, we want the desired payoff: to be paid well, appreciated, respected, comforted, and loved. Life candy if you will.

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I recently stayed near the top floor of a high-rise apartment building. One of the challenges many people experience in such large buildings is the waiting time for elevators. But definitely not in this superstructure.

The elevators ran so fast up and down that the sudden air pressure change totally blocked my ears. Following which, the sounds coming into my head were quite muffled.

Once my ears finally “popped” (eustachian tubes opened), for a brief moment everything sounded so crystal clear. Until the usual din of everyday life manifests its typical desensitization of all the cries around us.

Most of what we hear, we tune out. It isn’t relevant or important enough for us to focus on. But we judge some things to be bigger or more critical for our attention, so we let those in. We analyze and determine them as “good” or “bad” and react accordingly. Following which we say that our emotions (happy or sad) are the result of what enters (or impinges) on our life.

Unfortunately, we have it all completely wrong.

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A weary traveler approaching from the east encountered a farmer toiling in his field. The farmer offered the man a drink of water, and the two began chatting. The visitor asked the farmer, “What sort of people live in the next town?”

The farmer replied with a question of his own: “What were the people like in the town you’ve come from?”

“Well, they were not very nice. Unfriendly, antagonistic, and mostly lazy. To be honest, I was happy to leave that town.”

“Unfortunately,” said the farmer, “you’ll find the same sort of people in the next town.”

Disappointed, the traveler trudged along, and the farmer returned to his field.

A short while later, another visitor from the east approached the farmer asking for a drink of water.

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I’ve had the great fortune of being able to help people in their careers. And one of the most challenging topics for many is salary negotiation. So much so that nearly 75% of people choose not to negotiate their salary – regardless of the fact that negotiation is one of the best ways to create an even stronger mutual bond between the employee and the company.

The challenge is that we don’t like salary negotiation. It seems confrontational, and we often lack the confidence to clearly articulate the value we bring. But that is because we are looking through the wrong lens. We believe the company has what we need: the job.

That one belief leads to losing out on so much opportunity – both in terms of creating stronger connections between us, our manager, and the company – as well in terms of total compensation. But there is another way of looking at the company that dramatically changes everything. This one mindset shift has transformed the lives of many people.

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