Before I share the best way to manage anger, let’s start with the worst way: holding on to it.

According to the Buddha:

Holding on to anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.

Actually, the Buddha didn’t say that – his quote was related to picking up a piece of hot coal with the intention of throwing it at someone else – you’re the one who gets burned. Nonetheless, the point is the same.

We get angry whenever we feel some boundary of ours has been violated. Think of the last time you were angry – perhaps someone did or said something you didn’t like. You felt that strong emotional and qualifiably justified response: anger.

But here’s the secret behind anger: we don’t really get angry. We choose to be angry.

That is such an important point that I want to reiterate it. Anger is not something that is thrust upon us, rather it is an emotion we choose.

Why do we choose to be angry? Continue reading →

Early in my professional career, I stumbled across a set of writings that drastically challenged my beliefs and way of viewing the world. You see, I was an engineer – a very logical person with a highly tuned sense of critical thinking. In other words, very methodical in my thought processing.

If there was a bug in a piece of software or hardware, I would find it. If a piece of writing has a grammatical mistake – it will jump out to me (unless it’s my writing, in which case the errors go regrettably unnoticed). If a book or movie has a plot hole, it will be painfully apparent to me. Very rational, clear, data-driven thinking.

In fact, most people use some form of critical, judgment-based thinking as part of their cognitive awareness – it’s just that engineers tend to be more extreme.

But then I discovered Edward de Bono’s classic text, The Use of Lateral Thinking, and my world turned upside down. Continue reading →

Have you ever wished or imagined misfortune visiting someone who offended or upset you in some way? Or perhaps felt some sense of satisfaction or even joy over their adversity?

The word is Schadenfreude – a German term for the pleasure derived from the misfortune of others.

While the philosopher Schopenhauer called this diabolic (“to feel envy is human, to savor schadenfreude is diabolic”), it is far more common than we may think. Especially if the other person / group has something we desire.

And the reason for such “sadistic” pleasure is that we feel better about ourselves. Self-interest is a very powerful motive indeed. There is a perverse sense of gain in another’s loss – or at the very least, a balancing in our personal scale of fairness.

Perhaps not surprisingly, research indicates that we are most likely to feel schadenfreude when we are down. In other words, the lower our self-esteem, the more satisfaction we derive from another’s pain.

Sounds awful, doesn’t it? As the old adage laments, “misery loves company”.

But it doesn’t have to be that way. Continue reading →

It’s all in the looking.

Not a week – and oftentimes not a day – goes by in which something doesn’t occur to completely disrupt our peace.

A bad day at the office with a bullying boss or callous coworkers. Awful news on the economy affecting retirement accounts. News of a serious illness – either for us or a loved one. Stressors in personal relationships.

A sense of sadness and misery naturally ensues. Or does it?

What is so natural about feeling bad?

One of the most challenging concepts to understand – certainly experientially, if not intellectually – is that we choose our feelings.

This concept is so unnatural and sometimes unfathomable that it bears repeating: we choose our feelings. Continue reading →

An amusement park near my childhood home offered many crazy rides that both thrilled and terrified me. But none more so than Hell’s Hole.

Actually, the ride was called The Rotor, but everyone called it Hell’s Hole. And the moniker was more than apropos.

The “contraption” consisted of a large, upright barrel that held about 10 people at a time. The barrel was rotated up to a high rate of speed. This spinning resulted in significant centrifugal force – the same amount of g-forces shuttle astronauts experienced during launch to orbit (3 g).

At this point the floor of the barrel was lowered, leaving riders stuck to the wall – whereupon those so brave would perform various maneuvers like hanging upside down. The ride was also fitted with an observation deck so non-riders could watch all the action.

While I was standing on the observation deck as a young teen monitoring the rotating fun, I was considering whether or not I wanted to ride. And then something so horrifically disgusting occurred which solidified my decision.

One of the riders vomited. Continue reading →