God is not partial. All His children have His total Love. (T-1.V.3)
I let everyone down. My friends were ashamed of me, and even my own family was disappointed.
I had the power to tip the election in a given direction, but I chose not to do it.
My inaction was not due to a noble cause or any other reasonable explanation.
The truth is, I was terrified.
And as a result, the outcome of the election was a certainty.
I live near one of the largest and most beautiful horticultural display gardens in the world. It’s called Longwood Gardens, and in the fall season it showcases the largest exhibition of chrysanthemums in the US. The star of this Chrysanthemum Festival is a single mum that contains more than 1,500 blooms! It is an amazing site to see.
That one flower is perfect.
But is it perfect because of the 1,500 finely spaced, gorgeous bulbs?
Asked another way, was it imperfect until it reached that final phase?
In a stirring metaphor posed in Sterner’s The Practicing Mind, he asks, “When is a flower perfect?”
Is it not perfect when it is still a seed in the hands of the florist? Or how about when that seed is buried a few inches in soil having nothing to show for its efforts? Or when it begins to sprout and slowly poke through the soil? How about when it blooms? Or when that cycle is complete and it disintegrates back into the earth?
When I was eight years old, I played two sports: baseball and football. The first position I was assigned to on the little league team was 3rd base. But after the coach realized I couldn’t throw the ball all the way from 3rd to first base, I was “demoted” to second base. In football, I started out as a wide receiver, but the coaches quickly realized I was too short to be effective in that position, so I got moved to running back.
No matter what team I was on, we lost. Not just one game, but every game.
In those days, only the winning teams got trophies – and the smiles on the rival kids’ faces was something I desperately coveted.
What would winning be like? What would holding a trophy feel like?
I could only dream of such lofty ambitions.
And then an idea so simple, so obvious occurred to me. A way to instantly become a winner.
Those three magic conciliatory words that follow from an apology.
“I forgive you.”
Maybe not those exact words, but it’s the gist of what we’re saying. “It’s OK. We’ll move on from this.”
The challenge is that in many cases, forgiveness often isn’t.
Instead, forgiveness is a veiled form of attack.
“I’m the better person. I’m going to take the high road here and let you off the hook. But I will never forget how you wronged me. And I want to be sure you never forget it as well.”
Of course, we would never say those words. We often don’t even consciously think those words. But we certainly mean them.
Forgiveness is the deceptively detrimental tonic that tricks me into feeling better about myself.
How can forgiveness be harmful?
Early in my career, conventional wisdom held that the way to achieve great things was to first set what are known as BHAGs.
Big Hairy Audacious Goals
The bigger the goal, the more you would challenge yourself to achieve the goal – so the theory went.
And while there is nothing inherently wrong in setting BHAGs, the reason most people don’t achieve them is not because they are too big, but rather because they are too prominent.
Have you ever set a BHAG for yourself? Perhaps losing a certain amount of weight. Or gaining a certain amount of money? Or becoming proficient at a musical instrument or sport?
If so, then the moment you set the goal – and for every instant until you achieve the goal – you are failing. In fact, at most times you are so far from your goal that you are failing miserably.
Our ego wants instant gratification. And when we don’t have it – and realize just how far off we are – a sense of disappointment and frustration inevitably set in.
The problem with making the goal the goal is that we judge ourselves based on our proximity – or lack thereof – toward its realization. “This is too hard. I’ll never get there. Is it really worth it?”
However, there is another way of achieving growth that leads to far greater success and a much deeper sense of contentment.
Instead of focusing on the goal, focus on the process.
What is the process?